After VGer
by TFT
Summary: Some introspection at the end of STTMP
1. That Simple Feeling

You wait in your cabin, knowing – and fearing – the conversation that you are about to have. The last three years, your memory of their bleakness like a thick grey fog, something that you can step through and through to find only the same greyness, damp and heavy, sapping your energy and drive, haunt you still, in spite of the adrenalin charged days that you have just lived through, and in spite of having stood once again in the place you belong.

Because you too should have known.

You believed it was the Enterprise that gave your life its drive. Your position at the head of the five year mission, representing the Federation's dream of exploration and enlightenment, the role that fulfilled your life's ambition. Everyone, Bones, Uhura, Scott, Sulu – especially Bones who had resigned in exasperation at your stubbornness and that of Starfleet Command - told you that you belonged on a starship. The hum of the engines was something that you lived with every fibre of your body. Because you knew you couldn't hear them, there is no sound in space, so it was illogical to say you could hear them them, you felt them and breathed with them.

And so you took her back. Pushed Decker to one side and took her back. For the best possible reasons, and knowing that you were damned lucky that the right thing to do was also the only thing you could possibly do and the thing you thought you wanted more than anything. You stood again on her bridge. You commanded her crew. You called on her engines. You saved your earth. But your soul wasn't nursed back to life by your silver lady. In the end there was only one man whose presence on the ship made the difference that mattered. Whose calm presence and loyal support informed your choices and inspired your understanding.

The man who has spent the last three years trying to forget you.

In five minutes he will stand outside your door and request entry. You will answer him calmly, with just one word 'Come' and he will step inside without hesitating and stop a respectful distance from you. Because that is always what he has done. That is how it has always been between you – a complete and entire understanding and acceptance of each other that has underpinned the most important relationship of your life. And that of course is what you should have known. It was not the trappings of command, or the power of the ship, or the thrill of ambition that made the 5 year mission so important. But the loyalty and friendship of this one man.


	2. I Should Have Known

I know he understood.

Not true.

I know with my mind he understood.

It must be my heart that is making me question.

Of course that is not logical. I have spent much of my life explaining to my human colleagues that it is the mind that controls us, and the heart is simply an organ that pumps the blood. I know that to be true. But I am uncertain now of how he will receive me and it seems that even the disciplines of Gol are not enough to control these recently admitted feelings.

I laughed when I woke in sick bay, laughed with the delight and relief of not trying to control. But I'm afraid he will choose not to understand.

I never took the trouble to explain to him why I left.

_There had been much discussion amongst the crew in the last few months of our mission, regarding new postings, promotions, plans and retirements. We were expecting the ship herself to be refitted – a number of recommendations we had made in the previous 5 years were now standard practice and our own ship was as a result somewhat dated. Captain Kirk had indicated that he would be requesting a further deep space commission, but he had also shared with the senior officers that he had been receiving hints from Admiral Noguru of a potential promotion. Scotty had already been asked to take charge of the refit. Sulu was applying for command track. Only Doctor McCoy and myself remained quiet about our plans. The Doctor because he was too busy with the end of mission health checks and too emotional to be objective about his options. Me – I told myself at the time that it was illogical to speculate about the future, and that it was no-one's business but my own. But the truth was I was facing a dilemma about my future which rather mirrored the struggle of the rest of my life up to that moment. To follow the human path or the Vulcan path. _

_It is a testament to how much had changed for me during that mission that I was even considering two options. My reconciliation with my father after the Babel conference had eventually led to me being offered a very attractive posting with the VSA. I believe his support - and my mother's persistence - had led to some of the senior academics reavulating our scientific mission reports and some of the breakthroughs and insights gained from our exploration had excited their interest sufficiently to instigate some new and far reaching research projects. My mother had been requesting that I return to Vulcan at least for a few months. And my long exposure to the company of humans had left me somewhat desirous of the calm and logic of Vulcan society._

_On the other hand I found myself in much demand from Starfleet to take a posting on another starship. Five years in space had been demanding and challenging in many ways, but I was no less attracted to exploration and the pursuit of knowledge than when I had signed up to serve with Christopher Pike so many years ago. Humans have an irrepressible drive and edginess that makes them natural challengers in our Universe, and I was not sure I was ready to give it up._

_But the other side of the struggle between my human and Vulcan heritage was also back in force to challenge me. Over the previous five years I had begun to relax my tight control on my emotions and with the support and affection of my shipmates had found a home on the Enterprise which had eluded me both on Vulcan and at the Academy. Now this sense of belonging was being threatened. The closer we were to Earth the less time I spent in the officers' mess or the rec room. Jim, Scotty, Uhura and the others were all heading home. I realised with increasing and uncharacteristic distress that I wasn't. _

_Jim had quoted Finagles Law to me once, "any home port a ship makes will be somebody else's, not mine". I found myself hearing his voice, mocking me. This was surely _**everybody's**_ home port but mine._

_We visited a planet once, Sarpeidon, where a trick of time had exposed me to the depth and horror of a terrible loneliness. A lovely girl had been exiled to her planet's past, alone and cold. I remember when she asked me "__Do you know what it's like to be alone, _really_ alone?_" _her words recalled in me with unexpected force my own, previously denied and hidden feelings of isolation and difference. I realised that the shadow of that meeting with Zarabeth had remained with me, and was now threatening to overturn my hard won equilibrium. _

_On Sarpeidon it has been the influence of history that had exposed my emotions. On Vulcan the heat of Pon Farr. On Omicron Ceti III it had been alien spores. As our mission drew to an end I had nothing to blame but my own weakness. _

_We were welcomed as returning heroes, with pomp and praise, awards and commendations. Jim was feted as the greatest hero of us all, a giant amongst men. He was the youngest starship captain in history, and the first to return with his ship and crew largely intact. Within days of our arrival he was invited by Admiral Noguru to a meeting at which he was offered the highest promotion - direct to Admiral. _

_Vice Admiral Lori Ciana was in that meeting. _

_I did not blame him. I did not believe he stood a chance – she was bright and decisive, challenging and beautiful. He had everything he could have wished for – recognition, influence, glory and love. By the time his feet had touched the ground Dr McCoy had resigned his commission and I had decided to seek admission to Gol in the belief that it would only be by purging all emotion I could escape from the crushing loneliness of a half man with no home. _

_I know now I was wrong. On the eve of achieving Kohlinar I felt the touch of V'ger's insatiable curiosity and it re-awakened mine. I heard the call for help from Jim Kirk. I returned home._

I can admit now why I just left for Vulcan, without being honest with him, without explaining where I was going. I was afraid he would fight me. But I was more afraid that he wouldn't, that his concern would be half hearted, and transitory. That he was so enraptured by Lori and so energised by his new role that he would give me only just enough of his attention to fulfil a duty.

At the time, I reasoned that it was the shame of my inability to control my emotions. Vulcans do not feel shame. So logically I was no true Vulcan. I chose Gol to restore my balance and sense of self.

The post mission briefings will start tomorrow. I will explain how I was drawn to the Enterprise by my mental contact with V'Ger. I will describe leaving the ship, without orders, to meld with V'Ger in an attempt to answer its questions. I will explain how I learnt it was searching for its own answers to existence, and how it needed to grow beyond logic. And I will let them see that V'Ger has given me my own answers, showing me how those simple feelings of friendship and love provide comfort where otherwise there is sterility and isolation.

Then I will find time to talk to Jim. I would like to ask him to forgive me for my determined coldness when I came on board. I should thank him for coming back for me after Airlock 4.

Of course. I will challenge him to a game of chess. He will understand.

.


	3. Thataway

I just pray to god that those two idiots are talking to each other. I mean really talking.

I have been watching them not talk to each other for 8 years, and they are phenomenally good at it. You should have seen them right from the start - looking daggers at each other one minute, uncanny understanding the next. A meeting of souls but a clash of wills.

I blame that pointy eared son of a gun green blooded hobgoblin most of the time. When he came onto the bridge, not having seen any of us for 3 years, and blanked us all, I could have had him sent back to Vulcan before you could have said Zephram Cochrane without batting an eyelid. And then when Jim welcomed him formally on board, saying what we all felt, and he just turned away, well I really began to wish the floor would open up beneath him and spit him out again in the nastiest spot in the galaxy anyone could imagine.

But of course Jim Kirk is just as capable of clamming up when faced with the potential for a personal conversation. How did he let Spock go to Gol ? If he knew what he was planning – hell, he couldn't have known. If he had he would have moved heaven and earth, to make him change his mind. He would have used all his powers of influence - not to mention the combined diplomatic corps of Earth and Vulcan - to get him whatever promotion, whatever research project he would have wanted. No, Jim had his head turned by the excitement and flattery of marriage and promotion, and wouldn't even listen to his old country doctor telling him he was making the biggest mistake of his life, let alone finding time to recognise that his closest friend was about to walk out on him. Blind? Proud? Pig headed? How many times have I said that about them both?

Of course, Spock did his usual trick, risked his life with his Vulcan voodoo , gave Jim the opening to save the day – and the planet.

I was there with them. In sick bay. When Spock admitted he had been wrong about everything. And when Kirk forgave him.

And then of course V'Ger threw another tantrum, it was time for action, and no time left for talking.

I've been thinking about V'Ger - and Decker and Ilia – and Spock and Jim – and you know what, sometimes you just make things too complicated by looking too deep. In the end it is about belonging. Some people belong together, even if being together will result in one of them losing his identity in an overdose of pheromones. Children need their parents – we saw children having tantrums many times during our five year mission, Jim has quite a long galactic track record for alien nursery discipline. And Starfleet officers with an insatiable need for exploration and adventure need someone who understands and supports them fully and entirely, for better and for worse.

After the debriefings yesterday I meant to ask Spock what his plans are? He surprised us all when he told us he was not intending to go back to Vulcan so I guess the Starfleet brass are queueing up to get him assigned to their respective patches. Uhura told me that the word on the street is that Jim Kirk will be offered a second five year mission.

That's it! You know what – I can actually make a difference here. Noguru owes me one too. I will remind a few key people not to ignore my psych recs in assigning the new crew and Bob's your uncle. Or in this case, James Tiberius Kirk is your new commanding officer.

That will get them talking.


End file.
